I love the Back to the Future movie series. The movie's premise is to get a Delorian (time machine) speeding up to 88 miles an hour to travel through time. In the third installment of the series, the setting is 1988 in the Old West. Doc Brown and Marty use a train to assist and designate a color system of yellow, orange, and red. When the train moved to the red zone, they would have traveled too fast to stop their attempt and would plummet off a cliff.

When I assess married couples, I also have a color system (discussed later). This system helps couples understand if they are at the point of no return and if their relationship is heading toward a cliff. Although applicable to all audiences, this article contains insights from a Biblical worldview.

Positive Relationship Momentum: Green

A couple in the green zone is likely to be able to practice negotiation and compromise well. Even with the occasional argument, a couple generally can recover relatively quickly with little to no resentment experienced.

Moderate Relationship Momentum: Yellow

Challenges might slow momentum or hinder the couple from being on the same page at the moderate stage. Conflict becomes more frequent. Consider the concept of consolidation. [1] In pre-consolidation, an individual experiences or remembers an incident in a manner adaptable to change. Conversely, in three to six months, those feelings become more solidified and change with more difficulty.

Working through issues, resolving conflict, or consistent positive communication reduces the likelihood that negative feelings become fixed. Early intervention will help decrease the negative sentiments and patterns from forming. Marriage momentum decreases if these issues go unaddressed. Click here for a free consultation.

Low Relationship Momentum: Orange

The Bible describes the hardening of the heart, the precursor to divorce. Matthew 13:15 states, "For the hearts of these people are hardened, and their ears cannot hear, and they have closed their eyes." While this passage focuses on the Kingdom of God and who will enter it, it applies to marriage.

The hardening is a posture of coldness that creates distance and separation, and eventually leads to divorce. Jesus explained that this hardness of heart is why Moses permitted divorces, although that was never God's intention in instituting marriage (Matt 19:8).

John Gottman has studied couples for over four decades and shares that a relationship will die if four patterns are present in a relationship. These patterns, known as the "Four Horsemen," are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

Criticism attacks a partner's character or personality, often using terms "always" or "never." [2] Contempt is a disrespectful sense of superiority to one's partner, frequently containing insults, name-calling, or accusations. [3] Defensiveness is blaming your partner, adopting a stance as an innocent victim, or using righteous indignation rather than taking responsibility for your contributions to the negative cycle. [4] Typically, Stonewalling builds over time and manifests as a refusal to respond to a partner, extensive shutting down, or withdrawal to avoid conflict.[5]

Is there a point of no return in marriage? Yes! There is a point in the relationship where resentment and bitterness accumulate, there is a loss of the benefit of the doubt in a partner, and an accumulation of negativity leads to distrust. The loss of hope results in a hardened heart and negative relationship momentum.

Negative Relationship Momentum: Red

In the Red Zone, immediate intervention is necessary because the Four Horsemen most likely dominate a couple's interactions. Blaming, fighting, hopelessness, and the inability to see good in your partner characterize this stage. One person might have already left the marriage mentally or emotionally.

Each day you wait is another stone collected in your life vest. Eventually, the relationship will sink. Take the quiz.

Unfortunately, there is often a low willingness to work on the marriage despite having tools that will help produce change due to the consolidation that has taken place.

What to do if you have reached the point of no return for your marriage?

I will not leave on a cliffhanger. By the way, in Back to the Future, they did not fall off the cliff and made it back safely to 1985.

Evaluate where your relationship is.

Take the quiz (answers must be self-scored)

Early intervention is essential in preventing long-term resentment and consolidation. I recommend you find a therapist with several years of experience, trained in Emotion Focused Therapy and the Gottman Method.

Ultimately, you do not need to save the marriage but create a brand new one. A skilled therapist can help a couple reengage with each other even after reaching the marriage point of no return.

Click here for a free consultation.

Stay tuned for my follow-up article!

Resources

Jarero, Ignacio, Martha Givaudan, Amalia Osorio. Randomized Controlled Trial on the Provision of the EMDR Integrative Group Treatment Protocol Adapted for Ongoing Traumatic Stress to Female Patients With Cancer-Related Posttraumatic Stress Disorder Symptoms.Journal of EMDR Practice and Research, Volume 12, Number 3, 2018.

2 - 5. Gottman, John. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert. (Indiana: Harmony, 2015), Chapter 3, How I Predict Divorce.

Hardened Hearts: Is There a Point of No Return in Marriage?