Hectic Holidays: Practical Plans for Peace
For some, the holidays are a wonderful time of year. Filled with wonder, travel, gathering of friends, time with family, and making moments matter. Meanwhile, there are others experiencing loneliness, grief, or struggle to look forward to holidays due to strained relationships. This article is written broadly for the latter audience.
Assess your mood and emotional energy tank
How do you recharge?
When entering the holiday season, it is essential to become aware of the emotional energy required to engage in your environment.
For instance, introverts tend to be more inwardly focused and need time alone. They enjoy solitude and smaller, more intimate groups of people to recharge. Extroverted individuals tend to be focused outwardly, speak more, and need to be around people.
Evaluate life-giving opportunities and spaces where you feel energized and recognize emotionally draining settings.
Understanding our mood states
The connections we engage in have a direct impact on our mood states. A mood is a temporary state of mind or predominant emotion. 1 Mood states affect the response to our circumstances, measured as positive, negative, or neutral.
When we identify a mood state, displayed emotions, memories, and behavior tend to follow. Also, seasonal issues may compound stress and impact an individual’s mood.
For example, a husband experiencing a negative mood due to end-of-year deadlines is more likely to be frustrated with his wife, kids, and job. Meanwhile, he may struggle to see or remember the positive aspects of his home life until he can move to a neutral or positive state.
Feelings that might follow his mood state include depression, fear, and loss of meaning, which could further lead to isolation. These feelings will likely deplete him of mental and emotional energy, making him more vulnerable to reacting unfavorably to others.
A key to managing our internal mood and conserving our energy is by taking a time out (discussed later).
Challenges for singles, individuals grieving, and difficult family dynamics
Singles struggling with loneliness
If you are single, the chances are that you might struggle with loneliness during the holidays.
Have you been persistently single, relocated for a job or school, or had a relationship that recently ended?
An important consideration is how you think about yourself.
We all have negative core beliefs. These “I am” statements interfere with how we see others, ourselves, and God.
Negative core beliefs drive our behaviors in negative ways and keep us in undesirable mood states.
For example, imagine a friend, coworker, or member of our church invites you to spend Christmas with their family. How would you respond?
Do you think you are unlovable, unworthy, or not good enough?
These beliefs are lies. Yet, those beliefs can be powerful enough to prevent you from enjoying time with those who care about you. The lies need to be replaced with the truth that you are worthy of love and friendship.
“Negative core beliefs drive our behaviors in negative ways and keep us in undesirable mood states.”
God designed us for authentic connection in a community. In Genesis 2:18, we see that from the beginning, God said it is not good for a human being to lack companionship. I am not saying that we need to be involved in romantic relationships. I am stating that we need awareness that God designed our universe for meaningful and eternal connection. Resulting is a reminder of our true value in the eyes of God.
I was single for a very long time before I got married. It was a difficult journey at times. Overall, singleness was an enjoyable time where I was a guest at many tables for the holidays. I served others, moved all over the country, started over numerous times, had full autonomy, and created family-like relationships everywhere I went.
Become aware of how much time is spent thinking about singleness and the effect it has had on your mood. Evaluate if that energy is better spent in another area of your life.
Individuals who have experienced grief and loss
The holidays might be challenging if you have experienced loss from a loved one, a job, or a relationship. Grief comes in many forms and stages. Most often, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, and possibly making meaning. While there are many theories about grief, a key factor is to make time and space to identify where you are and to give room for sadness or feelings of loss when it arrives.
Picture grief as a river that flows. Attempting to ignore feelings can cause the river bed to rise and overflow in unwanted ways. Time and energy must be allocated to working through grief, preferably with others.
Isolation, even to a professing introvert, can compound feelings of sadness. However, when you share sadness with others, there is less sadness. It is as if everyone takes a piece of sadness with them and bares the pain with you.
Reach out for authentic connection
Do not be convinced by your negative core beliefs that you are a burden. Remember that these are lies.
When we refuse to reach out to others for connection, we rob them of the opportunity to love and help us. Helping those who are suffering is life-giving for others. It can also be refreshing for the person experiencing deep sadness and may provide what we need to start shifting in a more positive direction. Rather than isolation, I suggest that if you have experienced loss you must engage in self-care (discussed later).
Dealing with difficult families
If you have a strained relationship with your parents, children, partner, or in-laws, you might experience a sense of dread as the end of the year approaches. There are far too many family dynamics for one article, but I will provide a few basic principles.
The first step is to be aware of your mood, including thoughts, feelings, and behavior. As you anticipate meeting up with your family, notice we often have roles (the baby, the favorite). Even in adulthood, we find ourselves reverting to those roles and actions when gathered together. Although it is your responsibility to reeducate others on how you would enjoy being treated. This might take more than one interaction and help from a support system.
Conversely, one must understand the capacity of the difficult person. They might not be able to understand you, meet your needs, or be willing to admit that they wronged you in the past.
“The key to interacting with a difficult person or group of people is to restrict their chaos from becoming internalized by you.”
In Dr. Henry Cloud's Changes that Heal, he speaks about the ability to accept the good and bad within a circumstance. It is common to desire the ideal version of a person(even a difficult one). However, there is a gap between their ideal and the reality of being in a relationship with them. Identify feelings of sadness, disappointment, and even anger toward the reality gap.
The key to interacting with a difficult person or group of people is to restrict their chaos from becoming internalized by you. Do not surrender your inner peace to this person by accepting any negative core beliefs about yourself. Have a plan for interaction with them (discussed next), be responsible for your feelings, and control what you can.
Practical steps for managing your energy for the holidays
Self-care
Self-care is taking action to ensure that you have the energy you need to function mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally. This includes but is not limited to:
Physical activity - produces positive chemicals in your body that help with mood regulation and mental function
Fun - safe, pleasurable activities or engaging with friends and family that recharge you
Journaling - connecting your thoughts, feelings, and behavior
Devotional time of prayer, worship, and reading scripture
Eating well provides fuel for your body and mind
Acquiring adequate sleep to function optimally
While writing this article I was struggling with feelings of anger. My first thought was to veg out and watch Netflix, but I decided to take a run on the treadmill (while watching Netflix). This did wonders for me and I was able to then think differently about the situation because my mental energy was reallocated.
Make a plan
Engage in self-care before you enter the holiday season so that you are recharged and have the energy needed to combat loneliness, depression, or negative interactions. You might also need an opportunity to recharge after the holiday interaction.
Practice awareness of your emotions in the present moment (mindfulness) to avoid overwhelming feelings and negative reactions. Ask yourself questions to check in including:
- Where am I emotionally?
- How did I get here?
- What do I need to feel better?
Take a time-out. When you get triggered, take 5 to 10 mins away from the source of the discomfort and integrate calming techniques such as deep breathing, prayer, worship, or muscle relaxation. Focus on thoughts or activities that replenish your energy and allow you to move to a neutral or calm state.
Practice solitude over isolation. Isolation is retreating to be alone but often is used to avoid embracing deeper feelings.
Solitude is intentionally seeking times, spaces, or faces. Spaces refer to finding safe places to go where we are not subjected to criticism.
Times refers to understanding that it might be beneficial to reach out to others at certain times such as after work, or on the weekend when we might feel alone.
Faces include but are not limited to, support groups, small groups, church communities, interest groups, and even groups that meet online. We might need to reconnect with relatives we trust but have not contacted in a while.
Go deeper with a few people. Ask for help when you feel overwhelmed or alone. Remember that Jesus cares about you amid our circumstances. A relationship with Him is powerful enough to move us out of a negative state and toward a recharged and positive connection with others.
If you would like to know more about how to navigate singleness, grief, family of origin issues, or difficult relationships, sign up for a free consultation, or if you are ready to meet, click here.
References:
(1) American Psychological Association. Mood-congruent memory. Accessed October 4, 2022. https://dictionary.apa.org/mood-congruent-memory
Henry Cloud. Changes that Heal. 2018, Zondervan Publishing.
Written by Dr. James E. Francis Jr.
11.20.22
Engage in self-care before you enter the holiday season so that you are recharged and have the energy needed to combat loneliness, depression, or negative interactions.
